Dreaming of Dad
I had a rather strange thing happen this evening. Well, not necessarily strange, but strange for me. I dreamt of my Dad. Like I said, not necessarily strange, but strange for me....Follow along and this will make sense shortly I promise.
My Dad died 13-14 years ago I believe. I tend to block out dates and such when I don't want to deal with it. *shrugs* Hey, I know this about myself and I'm willing to accept it. Anyway, I know it was before my daughter went to kindergarden and she's a freshman in college now. But anyway, I digress.
Usually when I dream of my Dad, I either wake up crying because I miss him or praying hard because he wants me to come with him. In all of my dreams I know he's dead and what "going with him" would entail so they are never happy dreams.
My dream today wasn't a happy dream, but it wasn't sad either. However, it did set me straight on something and get me to thinking clearly.
I tend to be one of those people that can learn and adapt to any situation. If you won't do something for whoever needs it done, I'll learn how to do it, master it and get it done. Then it's YOU that will be coming to me. That's how I am about a lot of things. I'd rather do something and do it right, than deal with begging someone else to do it and finding myself concerned about the outcome because of their lack of willingness and concern for the end result. I come from the School of "Do It Once and Do it Right."
And Still I Digress....
I tend to be the person that everyone comes to do get the job done. Especially at church. I act as my Pastor's personal secretary and assistant. I'm a Youth Church leader and work with the State Y.P.W.W. (Young People Willing Workers) as part of our State Scholastic Motivational Ministry Competition.
On top of all that, I'm a graphic artist, a Mom and desire to be a writer of exceptional romance. I hate a lot of what I read and I want to write romance that's better than what I'm reading....much better.
So, what ends up happening when I attempt to fit all of these things in my schedule is that either something gets left undone in my personal life or I end up restbroken because I haven't slept a full night in several days. A few years back I discovered what being exhausted can do for me when I ended up in the ER of a local hospital thinking that I was having a heartattack. To avoid that ever happening again I will do what needs to be done for everyone else and attempt to get a little bit done here and there with my writing. Unfortunately, it's always only a little bit because I'm usually very tired when I do get to sit down at the computer and finish answering my emails.
Today after church I came home with the intention to sit at the computer and get some major writing done. I'd spent yesterday at the mall with my Mom, my daughter and her boyfriend looking at laptop computers and cooking for my Brother and his family. My Sister in Law spent most of the week in the hospital sick and didn't come home until Thursday. So, I volunteered to make dinner for them yesterday. Now, yesterday was important in regards to what happened today because I always prefer to spend my Saturday mornings writing and cleanign first thing, rather than shopping. I tend to get more done because everyone else assumes I'm asleep or out and about and they don't bother me until late in the day. But I did no writing at all because we were waiting for my Mom to arrive and had planned to write last night, but ended up doing paperwork at church until 11pm.
Anyway, we came home from church today and Mom had decided that she was going to cook, which made me happy because it freed me up to write. "Yeah!" So, after church, I came home. Sat down at the compuer and after about ten minutes, I felt myself literally nodding in front of the monitor. So, I told myself that I would take a nap. One hour max. I'd awaken refreshed and ready to write. Sounded like a great idea, so I went downstairs, grabbed my Timer. (I used the timer rather than the alarm clock because it had a more gentle buzzer and wouldn't shock me awake.) I set it and laid down. I wouldn't even go to the bathroom because I told myself I was only going to be there for an hour and I didn't want to wake up too much. So, I slept. An hour later, the timer went off and I started to go back downstairs to check on dinner but changed my mind and told myself, "It's only food. It's not going anywhere. Besides, five more minutes won't hurt."
I laid back down and apparently drifted back off to sleep and dreamt of my Dad. It wasn't a long dream and didn't have a ton of details. We were standing on opposite sides of the galley kitchen in the apartment I was raised in. He was dressed as usual: Dark grey khaki pants and wifebeater T-shirt. He needed a shave and his hair was mussed. I was bending down doing something and explaining to him that normally dinner isn't this late. The only other time it was late was when I'd made a big dinner for someone's Grandmother. Don't ask me who. This is the only detail that's unclear. But here he is on one side of the counter and there I am on the other. I recognize the fact that he's dead. But he looks totally normal and I'm thinking that this is normal. He's not asking me to come with him and I'm not sad or terrified. I straighten up in the middle of telling him that dinner won't be much longer...I just knew that was the reason he'd come in the kitchen....and he starts to tell me that by the time he was about my age he learned that it wasn't important to be on time. He was always trying to be on time and do everything for everyone. Eventually the only place he could be on time to was the ER. Mentally, I heard him say, "48." An age that I will become acquainted with in the not too distant future. It was more important he said, "to do those things that make you happy and be on time for them. Rather than on time for everything else and none of it's what I want to do. "
I woke up. Walked downstairs and told my Mom about the dream and what it meant.
I'm so busy doing everything to please everyone else, that I don't have time to do anything that I want to do. I'm literally working myself to death to do things that should I drop dead tomorrow, someone else could do with ease and a tiny bit of training. By the end of the month I would be replaced and the world would keep spinning. But everything that was mine to do here on planet Earth would be left undone. All the stories brewing in my head, would go with me to the grave. Entertaining no one but worms and angels.
Now, with that little reminder from my Dad, I've come to recognize that I have to do what's important for me first. I often say that I'm going to do "Me" first. But more often than not, I don't. Not doing what's important to me and for me is stressing me out on top of all the stress I get from trying to be all things to all the people in my life.
So, in light of my Message from Dad, expect to see more of me here.